Is My Relationship “right?” Unpacking Relationship OCD

Dr. Moses Appel (Edited by Matthew Shields)

In my opinion, Relationship OCD (ROCD) might be one of the few subtypes of OCD to which all people –regardless of whether they experience it as OCD or not– can relate on some level. Understanding it is essential so our relationships can be as healthy as possible. Hopefully, by the end of this blog, you’ll understand the nuances behind ROCD and possess a general idea of the treatment options available to address it.

For those who have read my blogs on OCD before, this brief introduction will be very familiar, and for those who haven’t yet had the chance, I highly recommend you read my blog post, “Inside the Loop: Understanding and Overcoming OCD.” Relationship OCD, like most OCD subtypes, usually begins with a trigger; in this hypothetical, let’s say Michael sees a couple that seems happy together. When he sees this, he starts obsessing if he’s in the right relationship with his wife. The doubts hit him like a ton of bricks. ‘Is my relationship as good as this random couple’s?’

Of course, as Michael experiences these obsessive thoughts, they cause him intense distress, including feelings of anxiety, and even fear about the future of his relationship, trademarks of ROCD. He utilizes compulsions to nullify the distressing thoughts temporarily. First, he googles questions like, "How do I know if I am in the right relationship?" and then repeatedly asks himself if he is happy in the relationship, all to try to experience some reprieve from the distress. Nonetheless, his relief is only temporary; he’s destined to repeat the cycle in perpetuity, each time increasing his distress.

That’s the bird’s-eye gist of relationship OCD.

Relationship OCD is more complex than that, as we will see. While ROCD can and does affect all types of relationships, ROCD is most prevalent within the confines of a romantic relationship. As it relates to romantic relationships, we distinguish between two subtypes of ROCD:

A)   Partner Focused; and

B)   Relationship focused

Partner-focused ROCD: Partner-focused ROCD occurs when the object of the OCD is the other person in the relationship rather than the relationship as a whole. Questions that typify partner-focused ROCD are ones like, ‘Is my partner…

• Attractive enough?

• Smart enough?

• Funny enough?

• Moral enough?

• Social enough?

• Too social?

Relationship-focused ROCD: Relationship-focused ROCD focuses on the relationship as a whole. It includes such questions as:

• Are we compatible?’

• Do I love my partner?

• Does my partner love me?

• Is the quality of our relationship where it “should” be?

• How does our relationship compare to other romantic relationships (such as my parents’, my friends’ etc.)?

Here, the obsessive questions are more focused on the dynamics of the relationship than solely on the other person in the partnership.

Before continuing, I want to mention that related to the partner-centered ROCD question, "Is my partner attractive enough?" is a different disorder called body dysmorphic disorder by proxy (BDDBP). Here's how BDDBP and ROCD are different. In a typical case of body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), someone might be obsessed with one of their own physical features, like the shape of their nose. With BDD by proxy, the obsession would be over the shape of their partner's nose. In partner-focused relationship OCD, the question over their partner's attractiveness is more about the internal question of, in general, 'Is my partner good enough for me in all these different domains?'  

Let’s look at some of the most common compulsions when it comes to ROCD:

1) Comparing: Comparing is just what it sounds like. Some people compare their relationships to others (relationship-focused), while others compare their partners to other people they know in general (partner-focused). An example of a comparing compulsion is someone who sees her friend laughing hard at a joke and obsesses: ‘Is my husband funny enough for me? Have I ever laughed as much at one of his jokes? What does it mean if he’s not funny enough for me? Clearly, this person uses comparison as their compulsion of choice.

2) Checking: One example of a checking compulsion is one continually asking themselves how they feel when they’re with their partner. Equally present is constantly introspecting how it feels when not with their partner. Perhaps they have a train of thought like this: ‘My wife is out with friends, and I’m enjoying having the quiet house to myself. Do I enjoy the quiet, or do I dislike my wife? Can I stay married to someone I don’t enjoy spending time with? What do I like better: spending time at work­–where it’s hectic and loud– or chatting with my wife?

3) Rumination: Rumination is a consistent feature across all types of OCD. It involves the repeated mental examination of a thought without coming to any satisfying or practical conclusions. Imagine the previous scenario, but instead of spending a few minutes checking if they actually like spending time with their wife, they devote the next few days to doing so.

4) Reassurance-seeking: Here, the person attempts to get confirmation from others to clarify their uncertainty about their relationship. Let’s say your friend, David, confides his concern about his new relationship with you and asks for your advice. Being sensible, you ask David who else he’s talked to and what they’ve told him. If David answers that he’s asked everyone, including– his mentor, his parents, and a few other friends – you can be assured that David’s inappropriately trying to quell his doubts via seeking reassurance from others. As you can also hopefully see, the fact that David has had to ask so many people shows how reassurance-seeking, like all compulsions, doesn’t work as an enduring method to deal with OCD doubts. Further, usually the person already knows the answer, hence the name RE-assurance seeking – they are already assured, but still feel the need to be RE-assured.

5) Googling (or ChatGPT): Someone with ROCD’s search history for the past two hours might look like this: ‘How do I know if my partner is good for me?” “Tell-tale signs to know if I’m truly in love or just excited.” “What percentage of people are always attracted to their partner?” “ What should being in a healthy relationship feel like?”  "What should I do if I really like the person I’m dating, but I don’t know if I should tell them yet?”  Reassurance seeking through the internet is very similar to with other people, but the internet won’t get tired of being asked the same questions repeatedly.

Knowing these compulsions is great, but what are they responding to? What types of triggers are there in relationship OCD? Here are some of the most common triggers for those suffering from ROCD:

1) People: For example, seeing an attractive person walking in the street, and then going down the rabbit hole of whether your partner is attractive “enough.”

2) Couples: ‘Is my relationship with my partner as good as the one sitting next to us at a restaurant?

3) Social media: Just seeing another couple’s vacation photos or coming across a funny post or video about relationship dynamics can send someone into a ROCD spiral.

4) Articles and books: Reading articles and books about relationships can trigger obsessive thoughts about one’s partnership.

5) Weddings/engagement parties: Seeing someone else get married can prompt all sorts of intrusive thoughts. ‘Am I ready to get married to the person I am dating? Can I ever be as happy with my partner as they look with each other?’

6) The partner themself: The partner is often a trigger, which can be devastating. In that case, it’s possible that every time one sees or interacts with their partner, they can become triggered with ROCD thoughts.

7) The person themself: The person who has OCD’s internal emotions can elicit OCD thoughts. This is true even if their partner isn’t there, like the earlier example of the person enjoying having the home to themselves.

The bottom line is that there are so many ways ROCD can be triggered. The possibilities are endless, a fact further compounded by the two possible time points for ROCD. The first time point is before committing to the relationship, while the second occurs only after committing to it. I’ve seen people who were fine in the beginning stages of dating their partner, only to struggle with obsessive thoughts after getting married, and I’ve worked with patients who struggled before they fully committed to their relationship but whose ROCD calmed down after commitment.

Given that ROCD can be so powerful, there are many consequences to leaving it unchecked. Often, people with ROCD push off their relationship timelines or never commit at all. Others break up with their partner, only to get back together with them, only to break up with them yet again because they can’t make a lasting decision regarding their relationship. Very frequently, ROCD can deteriorate the relationship itself, like when one partner constantly needs reassurance that the other person isn’t mad at them. After every fight, they ask if the other wants a divorce; this can deteriorate a marriage because instead of being present with their partner, they use their partner for reassurance. Lastly, even for those who can stay committed to their partner, constant checking, comparing, and reassurance-seeking caused by their doubts can be damaging. Unfortunately, we see this play out a lot regarding intimacy because intimacy requires being in the present moment; if someone’s attention diverts to ROCD, they can’t be present.

The best way to counter ROCD is to learn about it. A great place to start is by addressing and discrediting some of the most common maladaptive beliefs found in ROCD.

1)    “If I was with the “right” person, I wouldn’t have any doubts.”

• Someone with ROCD, will experience intrusive thought regardless of who their partner is.

2)    “If I really am attracted to my partner, I shouldn’t find anyone else attractive.”

• If you hold this belief and then find someone else attractive, it can cause you to start questioning whether you are truly attracted to your partner.

3)    “My relationship should have 100% quality all of the time,” and “I should always feel a certain way toward my partner.”

• What happens if the “quality” dips to 95%? For a day? For an hour? Is your relationship now null and void? Should you really feel the same about your partner all the time?

4)    “Relationships are static, without ebbs or flows.” Similarly, “relationships don’t need working on.”

• All relationships ebb and flow. There is no such thing as a perfectly stable relationship with no ups and downs. Further, behind every good relationship is a lot of work, communication, mistakes, and improvements.

5)    “If I keep comparing/checking/rumination/reassurance-seeking, I will finally feel 100% confident that I’m in the right relationship.”

• How’s that been working out for you thus far?

While these maladaptive thought patterns seem easy to diagnose, I've found that many people experience them without even realizing it. On a broader level, differentiating between ROCD and typical doubts within a relationship is hard to do in any case. Every relationship has doubts, questions, and concerns. What are some of the ways we can distinguish between the two?

In ROCD, doubts are often accompanied by strong feelings of distress and urgency. An ROCD obsession isn’t a fluid question that comes and goes, but rather one where the doubts:

• Are very intense

• Are incessant

• Are often accompanied by strong feelings of distress

• Render the person experiencing them unable to enjoy the present moment while spending time with their partner

• Are often extreme and “black & white”; here, the doubts the person has sounds like they are making a mountain out of a molehill

• Only get stronger as the relationship progresses

• Are found in people who have or have had another OCD subtype in addition to ROCD

• ROCD invalidates a person's gut feelings and common sense. While we all evaluate our relationships via logic and intuition, which is good, ROCD discredits our common sense, and demands pure logic and 100% certainty, with no room for intuition or common sense.

So, what are the ways we treat ROCD? I categorize ROCD treatment into three components: psychoeducation, exposure and response prevention (E/RP), and acceptance. Let’s go through all three here:

1)    Psychoeducation:

The first step in psychoeducation is to correct maladaptive beliefs, some of which we addressed earlier. Psychoeducation helps people replace harmful beliefs with healthier and more accurate ones in a meaningful and enduring way, rather than just offering temporary reassurance. For example, instead of thinking, “I'm never allowed to find someone attractive other than my partner," tell yourself, "Even though I'm attracted to my partner, it is okay for me to find another person attractive.” The prime lesson patients need to take from psychoeducation is ‘Unless I stop comparing/checking/ruminating/reassurance seeking, I will never feel confident that I’m in the right relationship.’

2)    Exposure and Response Prevention (E/RP):

For a more thorough explanation of E/RP, see my blog post “Inside the Loop: Understanding and Overcoming OCD.”

The first step in utilizing E/RP to treat ROCD is to recognize that the symptoms come from OCD and commit to treating them as such. For response prevention, stop engaging in the following compulsions: comparing, checking, rumination, and reassurance-seeking. For exposures, maybe purposely look at unflattering pictures of one’s partner or observe friends’ high-quality relationships; whatever triggers you, expose yourself to it. By practicing Exposure and Response Prevention, folks with ROCD take a more active approach to tackling triggers.

3)    Acceptance:

There are several points that people with Relationship OCD must accept:

1)  Accept that uncertainty is normal, even when it comes to long-term relationships.

2)  Accept that no relationship is perfect.

3)  Accept that the quality of relationships naturally fluctuates, including the moment-to-moment love you feel for your partner.

4) Accept that your partner may not be the most attractive/smartest/funniest person you know, and yet your partner can still be the right one for you!

5) Accept that no matter who your partner is, you will always have intrusive doubts, so stop ruminating about your partner’s flaws, and instead accept them for who they are and focus on their positive attributes. Further, don’t think that if you were with a different partner, then you wouldn’t be haunted by these intrusive thoughts.

Now you might be thinking, ‘This is all great, but how do I decide if he or she is the One?” This line of thinking is especially prevalent when a person hasn’t yet committed to their partner. After all, committing to a partner is a significant decision that you should take seriously. Here are a few tips I recommend:

1)  When spending time with the person you’re dating, be fully present and do not engage in compulsions. That means no checking, reassurance-seeking, or comparing. Instead, make sure to be in the moment.

2) Learn how to separate the symptoms of ROCD from your genuine feelings about the relationship. Don’t know how to differentiate the two? Look at my earlier primer about ROCD thoughts vs. typical thoughts within a relationship.

3) Write down the qualities you’re looking for in a partner and see if your partner “kind of” matches up with them. The emphasis here is on “kind of,” so ensure you’re not engaging in this process excessively and are instead using it to make logical decisions instead of as a rumination tool.

4) Likewise, set aside specific times to problem-solve and limit your analysis to those preset times. Structure the problem-solving time to be productive and not just free rumination time. Detail exactly what you're problem-solving and give yourself boundaries (e.g., 30 minutes to choose whether the person you're seeing shares your value of maintaining a welcoming home).

5) Seek input from trusted friends and family members who know you well. Again, don’t do this as reassurance!

6) “Gun to the Head” approach. It involves picturing someone placing a gun to your head and forcing you to decide immediately. As Dr. Jonathan Grayson describes, “The Gun Test is an aid to help you distinguish between what you intellectually and logically know from the emotional feeling of certainty you want.”

7) Remember that successful relationships have more to do with the effort you put in than with the specific things you are obsessing over. This should be reassuring to you because it lets you focus on building a relationship with your partner rather than leaving the success of your relationship up to chance.

8) Last, seek professional help if necessary. While meeting with an OCD specialist is beneficial for all subtypes of OCD, it’s especially so for Relationship OCD because of how complicated this subtype can be.

In this blog post, we explained how there are two types of Relationship OCD: Partner-focused ROCD and relationship–focused ROCD. We explored some of the triggers of ROCD, as well as the compulsions people unsuccessfully use to try and quiet them. In addition, we distinguished between regular relationship doubts and Relationship OCD so that the now-informed reader can understand the difference. Finally, we surveyed the three factors for successful treatment: psychoeducation, Exposure and Response Prevention (E/RP), and acceptance.

Disclaimer: All characters and scenarios in this post are entirely fictional. This content is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or treatment from a licensed mental health provider. To contact Dr. Appel, please email office@ADOPsychologyCenter.com or call 541-236-4357.