How to Truly Listen (and Be Heard)

Dr. Moses Appel

We all have moments where we just want to feel understood, where someone hears not just our words, but what’s behind them. That’s the heart of validation. It’s not about fixing the problem or agreeing with every point; it’s about making space for someone’s emotional experience to feel real, seen, and valued. When done right, validation transforms conversations and helps build emotional safety in ways that few other tools can. In the summer, when many families spend more time together, it's a great opportunity to practice this skill!

Validation Exercise (step by step)

1. Take turns as speaker and listener.

   
   

   Stick with your role until the original speaker feels fully heard, understood, and validated. This usually requires 2–3 back-and-forth exchanges, sometimes more.

   
   

2. The speaker's role:

   
   

   Express your thoughts and feelings as clearly and honestly as possible. Aim to speak in a non-triggering, respectful way—but don’t hold back important parts of what you’re feeling or thinking.

   
   

3. The listener's role (reflect, empathize, validate, and check for clarity):

   1. Give your full attention—no distractions.

   2. Reflect back what you heard the speaker say, using their language as much as possible. You can then try to add some other proofs/ideas/points that provide support for the speaker’s viewpoints (as if you are their advocate, trying to make their viewpoint really make sense!).

   3. Add empathetic and affirming responses (e.g., “That sounds really frustrating,” “I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you,” “I totally get where you’re coming from,” “that makes so much sense”).

   4. Important: Validating someone doesn’t mean you agree with everything they’re saying—it means you understand where they’re coming from and acknowledge that their perspective makes sense in the context of their experience.

   5. Ask: “Did I get that right?” or “Is there anything you want to add or clarify?”

      
      

4. The speaker responds:

   Clarify or expand on anything the listener may have missed or misunderstood. Then, the listener repeats Step 3—reflect, empathize, and check for clarity again.

   
   

5. Repeat the exchange as needed until the speaker feels fully understood and validated. Don’t rush this part—it’s the heart of the process.

   
   

6. Switch roles.

Once the initial speaker feels fully heard, trade roles so the listener can now share and be validated in the same way.

Validation doesn’t require perfect phrasing or deep philosophical insight, it just takes a bit of presence, reflection, and a willingness to see things through someone else’s lens. Whether you're practicing this with friends, family, or anyone else you care about, the ability to validate can strengthen connection and trust in profound ways.

Disclaimer: All characters and scenarios in this post are entirely fictional. This content is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or treatment from a licensed mental health provider. To contact Dr. Appel, please email office@ADOPsychologyCenter.com.